Jumaat, 1 April 2011

the stories that should not been told.

Newscaster 1 : Welcome to Do Not Believe This News. I'm ______

Newscaster 2 : And I'm _____. Today's headlines are : a) The tragic death of Maria Ozawa, b) Adam Lambert speaks about his gay life, c) Chicken and Road international debate.

Newscaster 1 : Everyone will have it when the time comes. So does Maria Ozawa. Earlier this morning, Redtube Hospital of Tokyo reported the death of the famous yet charming Japanese porn star, Maria Ozawa or better known as Miyabi by hall her fans worldwide.

Newscaster 2 : Miyabi, or her full name, Maria Mariana Mercedes Ozawa, was found cold feet on the streets of Tembaga Kuning Boulevard, near the French University of Central Kyoto (FUCK). According to an eyewitness whose name was not mention as he was an illegal immigrant in the country, Maria drank a full glass of hydrochloric acid by mistake after having a terrible fight with her current boyfriend, the legendary founder of Playboy magazine, Ariel Peterpan.

Newscaster 1 : After realising that she mistakenly drank a strong inorganic acid, she was seen rushing to the gents toilet, perhaps to force the hazardous material out of her skinny body. Before she could reach the toilet, she collapsed on the pedestrians sidewalk with blood gushing out from her mouth and her nose, as claimed by an eyewitness. She was announced dead by Dr Keji Cacimaki on the way to the hospital.

Newscaster 2 : Maria Ozawa's death is a great loss to the world. I remember the first time she gave me the treatment. She was... umph... no word can describe it. Now we move to the entertainment news. Teen pop star, Adam Lambat is now being interviewed live from his Cleopatra couch at his home in the northern part of Bangladesh. Our reporter, Lee Ze Yang is now interviewing him in Bangladesh. Take it away, Zakar.

Reporter : Thank you Iskandar and Ridzuan. We are now broadcasting live from the home of a very famous singer and exotic dancer, Mr Adam Lambat.

Adam Lambat : Thank you for having me. (Grins)

Reporter : Your latest hit, What Do You Want From My Mother has been at the number one rank of the Billyboard Hits Chart for over 2 days now. It certainly is a big breakthrough for your entire career. What would you want to say about that?

Adam Lambat : Well, firstly I really want to give my highest gratitude to my momma, Madam Bougainvillea Lambat who is now probably snoring on my old man's lap because she really had inspired me to write this song. Next, I want to thank my boyfriend, Alexander Graham Bellon who has been a great supporter to me all the way to the top. I love you honey! Mmuahh mmuahhh. And last but not least, to all who have said to me that this song won't make it, well, you are so darn wrong! LOSER!

Reporter : Hahaha, you got it right though. Well, speaking about your boyfriend, how has the relationship been for the last 7 days?

Adam Lambat : Well, it certainly is blooming. Come to think of it, I have before thought that I'd be a hardcore gay when I grow up. But, well, I guess that's destiny. It is destiny's right to guide me through my path, right? (Laugh)

Reporter : Then, how is your romantic love episode with the Indonesian housekeeper, Miley Virus?

Adam Lambat : Gosh!! She's nothing but a *beep*. (Continue to ridiculously blabber)

Reporter : It seems like our pop star has lost his temper. Ok, till next time from me Ze Yang, reporting for Selventynine TV.

Newscaster 2 : Fabulous job, Ze Yang. And now the local news. The problems of chickens crossing the road in Malaysia nowadays has become a catastrophe. This problems causes pollution as the chickens drop their shit as they cross the road.

Newscaster 1 : Measures has been taken to reduce this problem such as introducing a law which allows chickens which drop their shit on the road to be fined, but to no avail. This is probably because chickens are now becoming filthy rich with the drastic rise in the sale of Ayamas products.

Newscaster 2 : The issue of crossing the road has become a big issue. This issue is 10000 times hotter than the rebellion issue in the Middle East. Let's join our reporter, Lee Ze Yang who is reporting from Kuala Lumpur, the most polluted place with chickens shit. Go ahead, Ze Yang.

Reporter : Thank you, Iskandar. Present at the scene are famous people such as Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad and Jerry Seinfeld to witness how terrible the scene is. Now let's ask Tun Dr Mahathir's comment. Hi, good evening, Tun. So, what do you have to say about the chickens crossing the road?

Tun Dr Mahathir : You know, I'm tired of all this... 'apa nama' chicken-chicken bisnes... the foreign powers should stop intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our chickens alone. If they want to... 'apa nama' cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road. Malaysia is a democratic country, we let our chickens do whatever they want to do... as long as they don't threaten the Malay unity and try to topple the government... and if they plan to do so... we won't hesitate to use the ISA.

Reporter : Thank you, Tun. What a nice comment! Now let's ask the other. Oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld. Hi, Mr Seinfeld. I heard that you left the filming of the movie 'Kiss My Ass' in Hollywood hastily to come here to witness the spectacular scene of pollution caused by chickens shit. So, why do you think the chickens cross the road?

Jerry Seinfeld : Why does anyone cross the road?! I mean, why does anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" blablabla... (blabbering)

Reporter : (Before Seinfeld stops) Ok, thank you Mr Seinfeld. As you can see, the chickens are crossing the road. Not only they are crossing the road, but they are also dropping their shit on the road. This is the greatest pollution in Malaysia to date. Fathers and mothers of chickens are advised to train their children to refrain from pooping while crossing the road. I'm Lee Ze Yang, reporting from Selventynine TV, thank you.